Every live-in nanny situation is different: You might find yourself, upstairs, with your own personal bedroom, television and telephone, sharing a bathroom with the children. Or, you might have your very own living quarters, away from the family unit (a fantastic situation which allows everyone to maintain a sense of privacy and personal space). Then again, you might find your bedroom right across the hallway from your employers. Whatever the case, there will be times when you will want to simply escape and get away from it all. This is a natural feeling for a nanny.

Likewise, it’s common for the family to feel the need for all-out personal time as well.

What follows are some pointers for handling situations as they arise. The main thing to take into consideration, again, is that both the nanny and family must learn to consistently respect each other’s space and personal time and never take anything that goes on in the household too personally. 

Nanny as Family

As a parent, you might take every step known to man to include your nanny in family gatherings and events. You want to make your nanny feel comfortable and “at home.” Regardless, try as you might,  it seems your nanny’s reception is less than heart warming. Whatever you do, don’t take it personally. Even if you’ve grown fond of your nanny, remain perfectly satisfied with the care and concern she is able to show, consistently, to your children. Keep in mind, as well, that closeness, in general, has its own set of drawbacks.

Your Nanny Isn’t Your Therapist

A common complaint amongst nannies is lack of boundaries. The problem is, once lines are crossed, it’s difficult to reestablish them. For example, after a hard day at work, you might want to open a bottle of wine, complain about your day, hash-out the latest event concerning your in-laws, or discuss your inability to drop those last 10 stubborn pounds. Even the kindest nanny will lend an ear, now and then, out of common courtesy and respect. However, you certainly can’t assume your nanny enjoys hearing the details about your latest litany of personal issues. Not to mention, you may be potentially burdening her with things she doesn’t want to know about in addition to all of her other duties. (Not to mention, you might even be sharing annoyingly revealing details about yourself as a person). As a parent and employer, you might even regret what you said at a later date.

It’s best to keep personal matters between your colleagues, hair dresser, trusted friends or family members. This way, you are keeping your personal business to yourself and your nanny won’t feel obligated to oblige you in taking on your latest rants.

Thanksgiving Dinner

If your nanny has traveled half-way across the country to maintain employment with your family, there’s a chance things could become dicey around the holidays. Do you invite your nanny to the family affair at your parent’s home? Do you let her stay at home, alone, yearning for the company of her own distant family? Thanksgiving, for most families, tends to be a relatively all-inclusive holiday which is the ideal time to extend the olive branch. Before you take any steps, first take your own family dynamic into consideration: Will your family gathering be big, casual, family-oriented potluck? Or is your family’s holiday a major, formal sit-down affair? If your nanny is more on the reserved side, she might prefer to stay at home and have a peaceful afternoon to herself, or spend the day with friends she has made in the area. If you do invite her and she declines your offer, take solace in the fact that you did extend the invitation. On the other hand, should you desperately require pure, close family time, and you do not invite your nanny, don’t lose sleep over the fact. Your nanny will certainly live (it’s only one day out of the year).  

Vacation Time

Some families absolutely love bringing their nanny along to assist with childcare on family vacations. It’s always helpful to have an extra set of hands. On the other hand, some families relish the opportunity to get away and have peaceful, relaxing ”alone time.” Adding another person to the mix is solely up to you. Remember that your nanny is a paid employee and fully under the impression that she is hired to do a job. Whatever instructions you present to your nanny, she will most likely accept them, pleasantly, and go about her business. If you feel awful about neglecting to invite your nanny on family trips, keep in mind the reality of your nanny’s situation: She is pretty much glued to your home and your children 24-hours-seven-days-a week-365-days-a year. With that in mind, there’s a pretty good chance she might actually prefer to stick around and do some house-sitting. This will allow her some much needed personal time and uninterrupted peace and quiet (which everyone relishes once in a while).

Round the Clock Coverage

A big misconception that comes along with a live-in nanny is that you have around the clock coverage. Think again. Although many nannies are physically present five-to-seven days out of the week, it isn’t mentally healthy or physically possible for a nanny to be continually on-call. Some parents push this expectation to the limit and even to a breaking point. If, after a few months on duty, your nanny begins to mysteriously disappear all weekend, only to return late Sunday night or early Monday morning–consider this an enormous hint. Nannies can realistically assume that they will be working 12 hours a day, although 14 hours is not unheard of. As parents, you absolutely must be thoughtful of your nanny’s schedule and the fact that she does have a personal life outside of your home.